samdabam223

Just wrote a poem and deleted it. I can't put lyrics on this one. In the winter instead of just being like ahhh snow, happiness, winter wonderland. I always have these dark afternoons and it's like fuck I really miss something/someone and I REALLY do. Like badly. And it's like the holidays and everybody's finding their happiness and for me it's usually that there's one thing missing. Oiff this is what happens when I'm up late at night, i get to thinking. And I'm thinking I miss you.

I told you I may be moving away for a long while

??

I said I hated life. I actually say that a lot. But I guess that's unfair of me. I love life, I hate the events in it, that make it so fucking painful. But I love life, so it's probably unfair to mr. life to say I hate him.

Over the summer, i was in this play about the holocaust. So our director wanted us to get into the "zone" of sorts and therefore had us read this poem. It was an extremely touching and imagery filled poem, written by a survivor. And there is something about this poem that seems to paint a picture all too well. The first stanza is something I was thinking about today because you don't have to be a holocaust victim to try and speak about something to people who just plainly couldn't begin to get it. And for whatever reason I'm gonna post the poem, because something about preaching to people who will never truly understand hit home today. There is this need for a person to make another understand, to retell their story, even though it will never be relived. There's this need to let it out to try and show people with all your might what the truth is, even though they could never possibly take it in. I know I do it. At the time I'm asking myself...why in God's name am i even trying to explain it, yet something in me keeps pushing the desperate words out of my mouth. I guess it is in some pained hope that one of my words will hit home and that person will finally understand.


I stand in front of you
and see your innocent stares,
looking at me, anticipating a personal account of my
pains and nightmares.

How do I begin?
How can I make you understand and feel
the deep scars that I carry
fragile and still easy to bleed?

How do I tell you about human created hunger
hopeless, no-end-in-sight,
when, perhaps, you just had a good meal
and feel full and warm inside?

How do I tell you about constant fear
in the pit of the stomach, the nauseating kind
when, hopefully, you experienced only
goodwill and peace in your short life?

How do I tell you about losing family and friends
in a matter of minutes
by moving thumbs in white gloves,
belong to a Nazi
a so- called human being?

How do I tell you about the odor of burning flesh,
tortures and killings of innocent people
that were planned cold bloodedly, years before!
drinking and singing around the table?

How do I tell you about Auschwitz-Birkenau
the efficient killing machine
where mothers, babies, children and the old
marched to the "showers" and out as smoke?

How do I tell you about being torn from
all my loved ones in my teens
when you only know and should know
the warm embrace of family and peers?

How do I tell you about
the genocide of six million and more
during which my family lost eighty one,
when you can happily look at yours and declare
missing: NONE.

I do however, know to praise
those wonderful few, defiant and brave,
at great risk to themselves,
reached out and helped many lives to save.

I stand in front of you
and see your innocent stares,
but having heard it all
your gaze is no longer there!

You have lowered your eyes
so sorry! I saddened you,
having heard a witness
now, you become a witness too.

To inform and teach my story is told.
I urge you to be fair-minded and bold.
For it is up to you, THE YOUNG
how the future will unfold.

Let us create a society
free of hatred and hunger
where respect for each other
glows like a beautiful ember.

by: Judy (Weissenberg) Cohen

Unless my parents chnge drastically between now and then, I am so moving out the second I turn 18. I absolutely despise living here. So woot to 2 and a half years from now.

Yeah I have missed this thing. I think it is good for me to have a journal as a place for contemplating the most random questions of life and learning how to let it all out constructively. So there I go. I just can't take the non Ljness no more. And even though it is rather risky to be venting my deepest thoughts and feelings publically, I think it takes balls/boobs and I'm willing to risk it.
So basically other than trying desperately to protect my reputation and survive at home which is very dependable in the falling apart catagory and has not let me down lately, I've been trying to find a place where I belong. I know how odd of me, because I'm what? Fifteen? But everyone has something. A club, a sport, a talent, a person , in which they fit perfectly into. Yeah you know, that one thing that sets them apart and they can somewhat identify with. I guess I never really had the time to develop that. Between my dad, mother, brother, and little sis, I've never really caught the break I needed to be able to form my own...well...identity. It sucks right now, but as I am in an optimistic mood, maybe I'll just veiw it as a clean slate. I can go in whichever direction I want, I can start something new, I can be who i want to be. So fuck it all, I'm gonna learn to live as me. Not for other people. This is my life and I'm gonna make something out of it. SO THERE!

-Sam

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAN. I am pissed. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking man. You are fucking with the wrong girl sweetheart. HOOO fucking man, wronggggg girl for this shit.

What I've learned this weekend


(In a nutshell)

-Steak really stains clothing
-Don't try to see a rated R movie at the loop without your mama
-75 cent worry dolls may actually be complete bs
-The song "my humps" can get old
-Violin music can indeed give you a migraine
-My mother likes to believe I'm anorexic
-Tequila burns for a long time in your stomach
- and can indeed disinegrate a paper cup
-Dundee park is a great place to talk
-Dylan's bar and grill is not so yummy in the tummy
-TGI's does not have free juice refills
- but does have free soda refills
-Captain Mojo and the Cat's Pajamas got really good
-Meg's hair looks really good in two french braids
-The psat's have funny vocab words
-It's really hard to be a single mom
-Avery likes away messages...a lot

I had a pretty shitty night last night. Parents yelled at me and blamed me for everything from my dad being sick to my brother and sister being assholes- at least that's what it felt like. Mother tore apart the kitchen. No one was watching my little sister so I had to. Everyone around me was taking out their problems on me. So I dealt with it by drinking. Smart idea... I know. It did help for a bit at least, but then I pretty much made an ass of myself. Yup smooth of me. So then when that wore off I of course needed something else, and so back to bad habits I went. Hmm yeah I woke up this morning feeling amazing. SO I figured okay today won't be so bad I mean minus the hangover and family tension. Well seeing as there is a balence in this world I guess the day and night wanted to balence eachother out with the badness. I don't know how to write this and so I'm not gonna say more than I happened to almost lose someone who means a lot to me. And when I say lose, yeah I mean that in all literal meaning. Yeah-death. But I don't really want to talk about that on a public site. All I know is that I better get the fuck out of here for awhile. Thanks for being good friends and all that. I love you. But for now I need to get out of here for awhile.

Okay so my new attitude is to suck it up and not let the shitty things get me down. So far so good. Pretty sick weekend so far, cept for the fact that my mom went apeshit at my brother and tried to kick him out of the house, but besides that detail, it has been rather fun. My parents are out all day, I'm bored as shit and don't want to do my homework that I probably should be doing. Hmm I'll find something to remain occupied with.

-Sam

It dawned on me that the only reason I prob. didn't off myself today was because I made a promise to somone that I wouldn't do anything until the next time I saw them. How pathetic

I have no idea how I made it through this week. Honestly, I just don't know how it happened. I felt as though I was being dangled off a ledge with one thin peice of rope keeping me from falling. No joke. I had to take monday off, because it was so bad between home, myself, and the pressure of everything in my life. I just couldn't do it. I ended up being alone for the day which was good in a sense that I had some time off, but bad in the way that I probably shouldn't have been alone. On wednesday my parents decided that I was bitchy enough to ground. Yeah again, for me it probably was not a wise idea. And so on thursday I tried to talk to my mom about it and open up and tell her everything and like you know just put it all out there. Then I thought maybe she'd understand why I shouldn't be cut off from communication at the moment. Did she? No she did not. To say she is full of bullshit is an understatement. She like played along with it like she cared and things were gonna change and then of course after an hour of talkin, when I ask her if I can please not have my communication cut off, she just shrugs and says "well just because you open up to me edoesn't mean your still not gonna be punished". I'm like trying to tell her why I was acting bitchy and I explain it all to her but does she give a shit? No. Honestly, my mother would stick her ground and fight a pointless battle for no reason other than she's stubborn. I was pulsing with anger. It was like don't you fucking give a shit about me? I'm telling you I am this close to doing something really stupid and I don't want to be alone and you just sit there and say "oh well". So what did I do? I said fuck this. I know what's good for me and I also know that if I stayed in that house with my father who got sick again recently, and my brother who yells at me and degrades me, and my mother who is so absorbed in her own pain that she doesn't give a shit about anyone elses and doesn't think about what she does and say and how they may affect those around her, I know that I would've done something I'd regret. And seeing as I couldn't reach out to my friends, because my parents wouldn't let them be available to me, I had no where and no one to turn to. I was totally alone when it was the worst timing and worst idea in the world for me to be alone. And so for once, I decided I'm not gonna let something bad happen to myself just because I don't care, I'm gonna look out for myself and be my own support. So I called laila, packed my things, and snuck to her house and refused to come home when they called at midnight. So pretty much I singlehandly saved my own ass with a tidbit of assistance from a member my real family that I have always been to count on. -Thanks

I just really need people here for me right now. I need my friends. I need the people I have been able to count on to keep on being their wonderful selves. So for me I'm gonna ask- please will you be there for me and I promise I'll do the same for you? There are so many people that are hot and cold in my life and I just want to know that there are some that will stick by me and be there for the rough times and the best in the world. So please help me along the way if you can.

Love you all- Sam

and if so does that mean you wasted the nine others laughing your ass off? Who the fuck cares, it is so worth it. I had a night of carefree fun. Fuck yes. And last night wasn't bad either. This is nice, not perfect, but pretty damn nice. I am so full of like laughter at the moment just waiting to be released. I loved not letting myself worry about the other stuff going on and just being able to laugh and have a hell of a time this weekend. Cheers to that.

Life is spinning sideways I don't even know if I'm alright or horrible anymore I sleep at during the day but don't cry listen to all that sad music but still don't cry I dunno things are just off and not getting right and life is just tainted at the moment everyone seems to be so preoccupied with their own lives that none are joined anymore I wish mine was though it hurts that I'm not the object of anyone's affection and my self worth is like zilch I'm living like a dream where I can't wake up but I really want to I want the fog to clear and the brightness to show I need a rewarding and good relationship again I used to have that but somewhere along the way between this and that it kind of got lost and now it's just one waiting to be reawoken but maybe I'm the only one who wants that whatever life is flatliner and needs to be shocked back into life I need to get shocked back into me and try to make all the weirdness with me and everyone else right again whatever I have a headache and my stream of conciousness writing is starting to hurt I better write and essay and cross my fingers that tomorrow will be a better day

-Sam

Hhahaahaahahha what do you do when life sucks? In the wise words of lauren- you laugh at it. Thank god for the people who have learned to laugh in the face of pain cause they are the ones that crack me up when I thought I was out of laughter.

Yeah I have pretty much deducted the fact that I am meaningless in every way shape and form on this earth. I wish I was amazing at something. I wish I could say, yah I rock at that. I'm just so worthless. I mean honestly my friends know me for being a friend and that covers it. Like what am I gonna amount to? I am so tired of just living and being a person who everyone is gonna forget. Like seriously what would people say about me at my funeral? How long would it take before people forgot about me? Oiff I'm depressed and like have realized that I don't have much in the way of anything going for me. Don't worry I'm not planning on offing myself. I'm too beyond all caring that much.

What that was a highly intriguing day of vast nothingness. Went on a field trip. Haha yeah for an hour. whot he fuck does that? A field trip for an hour? That's just awkward. So yeah the rest of the day was looking pretty predictable at the time of return from the Addison gallery where we looked at pictures, all like 20 of them. Haha so everything went boringly predictable and smoothly until lunch. I had a drink and surprise, surprise for the third day in a row it did not stay down. Felt pretty sick after that. First just pain, then nausea and then migraine from hell. That was soon follow by fever, weakness and chills. People think I have a serious disease or something, but the truth of the matter is that when nothing stays down you become rather dehydrated. I think it's stress related or something, but who knows. So far I think I might have some coffee and a dansani in me today, because frankly that's what stayed in. So yeah you can imagine what it's like to try to focus in school and not have like anything in your system. Tres fun. But whatever suckkkk it up sam. So yeah besides that kind of major problem, things are going mediocre. Don't you hate being in a situation where you really just have no idea what you should do? Yeah me too. I just wish the answer would come to me, but ohhh vell. And besides that other major generalized dilemma, I had dance auditions for the play today. Those were amusingly easy. In shak's words of wisdom- c'est tres facile! Then walked around in the rain and got an ice cream. Actually attempted to get two with sara but the sarkesians guy was on a break. Yeah fuck u too driving range employee. So I must depart, continue pondering about how to fix a relationship, and try to maybe get to bed at a dec. time.

-Sam

I swear to god livejournal is pissed at me. It was all refusing of my password. I was like jesus livejournal peace out and let me on in. Maybe it's because I haven't visited in awhile, maybe this is livejournal's way of punishing me for neglecting it. hahaha whatever

So yeah let's see- the question I should be wondering is why I haven't been writing on here, especially since I didn't have a lack of hard emotions in the past week. Usually writing and talking are like my outlets for stess and problems. It's like as I write them, the answer comes to me and things that seemed so confusing before start to become more clear. Hence my obsession to writing of every form. But yeah I dunno I kept going to write in this and it came out just like weird mish mash of no sense. So I was like yeah fuck this, this is just gonna make me more depressed if I read this and realize how stunningly bad I am at writing.

So without all the specific little details and such I mean in general my problem is that for whatever reason life is getting beyond my grasp again and I don't know how to get it back on track. It was going like so smoothly for so long and now it's back to that horrible I don't want to be here feeling. I don't think that means I'm on the brink of like killing myself, but maybe on the brink of a minor meltdown. I'm trying so hard to keep it together and it's kind of failing. And then on top of that some of the relationships in my life are royally screwy right now and since I just can't seem to get myself together I can't seem to get those together, or know if I should be. It's just like when you're obviously like struggling and a mess and the people who usually take notice first and are there for you, aren't even paying attention. Most of my friends are surprisingly amazing but I dunno stuff is so confused with certain people that it's setting the rest of me off. It's like I can see where I am and where I want to be, but I'm so massively uncertain with everything that I can't figure out how to get from point A to point B.

On top of my deep emotional turmoil I can't keep any food down for whatever reason and so I'm constantly getting sick. It's like everytime I eat, it's too much and I feel too full. Whatever that's just an annoying side note.

There's a lot of like facits to why I feel certain ways. There's like 100 factors, but no one wants to hear those so there it is plain and simple. I'm falling apart from myself, from the people around me, from life and I can't get myself together and some of the people who usually can just aren't in the picture. And that's unfair of me to expect that, but hell I guess I feel like half the shit I do for others is totally one sided. I mean when it comes down to it, probably these people aren't at much fault, it's just I want things to be right in the normally good relationships in my life if the other stuff is already too much for me to handle.

So where to go from here is the next question. I don't even want to think about it.

-Sam

Hey. So school's in session. Wow how weird has this transition from sleeping in, eating out, and partying til the break of dawn to waking up when the world is aslep, eating over books, and minimal partying unless you count french class. School is.....well- school. I mean it isn't horrible, but not wonderful. So yeah that about sums that section up. I've been kind of a pain in the ass the past few days. I guess I'm in a prediciment. Who the fuck knows. I have feelings-strong feelings for someone and because I don't really know how to approach/if I should approach/if this is gonna be the right time to approach/if there's any fucking point in approaching it, it's kind of not going much of anywhere. Although I'm having the feeling that I could most probably be barking up the wrong tree on this one. Who knows I'll just have to see where it goes, which if I have any luck in life, will be in some type of positive relationship-like direction. All I know is that I need to get out of the funk I'm in and start acting more like me. At the moment I am practically taking a bath in a little something called self loathing. S-F-H  (shit,fuck,hell). I feel like just down. Like ugly, unspecial, annoying, worthless- the whole nine yards. Yeah normally this would be the part where I make a confession about how I handle those feelings, but you know what I really don't feel like it too much at the moment. What eves it's my livejournal and I don't feel like talking about the stupidity of sam's handling abilities tonight. Football game on Friday. I am so there. Kind of pumped for the weekend already even though it's only wednesday. Oiff so I'm off to land du la biology, which I can't really focus on at the moment for multiple reasons. Who cares, it's not like I can ever focus on bio. Night all
-Sam



Give up on me
It's old news by now
Most people are wondering
Why isn't it on the front page
Cause there it is
Plain and simple
A problem with no cure
So I'm gonna ask you optimists
Give up on me
I'm not worth your time
I don't know how to take your helping hands
It's too late I think
So give up on me
I'll probably find my way
Or maybe here is where I'll stay
But whatever the outcome
I must clearly say
Just give up on me
Call it a lost cause
Too far gone to come back
The skeleton of person
And it's time for you to give up on me
So here I go
And on my final farewell
And my last request will be
Please I ask, give up on me 

Scared shitless for school. Not for the typical teenage reasons, but mainly I'm scared of a great summer and then it all going downhill from there. Things are finally livable and it freaks me out to think I could get back into the same place I was at. That scares me. It's hard to put into words how scary it feels. Cause like once you've seen how bad it can get, lemme tell you, you don't want to go back there. I'm scared of that constant struggle, one that hopefully you've never known. I mean it's like hell. I'm scared of my dad dying. I'm scared of my relationship falling apart with my mother. I'm scared of not finding the love that I need so badly. I'm scared of hating myself. I'm scared of losing control of everything again. For once in my life I am fucking petrified of what's to come.

-Sam